@MeganBaca1: Apparently "cheesecake & tacos" wasn't the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
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@hippieswordfish: ME: how do u get girls SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know...organ [later at the bar] ME: hey baby i got a real big colon
@Kyle_Raney: "I'd like to make a toast." - piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
@XplodingUnicorn: Maybe there is no baby I'm starting to suspect my wife's been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams Now I'm hungry.
@_davidlucas_: *At the ouija board* Me: Err... mom? Can't we just... Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G