We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
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If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
You know…for fall…
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.