Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
#Caturday
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
*has no idea what a book even is*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread