@OhNoSheTwitnt: Apparently "cool story, bro" is not an acceptable substitute for "congratulations" when your friend calls and tells you she's pregnant.
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@_SingleBabyMama: Everyone thinks it's so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it's "inappropriate" & "we need to talk."
@Robbie_Cakes: Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you've got a pizza!
@lloydrang: Will I. Am's headstone will read "Will I. Was," completing history's longest set-up to a punchline
@MBlackman37: Trump: What caused the Civil War? Aide: Slavery. Aide 2: Slavery. Aide 3: Slavery. DeVos: Bears.