@OhNoSheTwitnt: Apparently "cool story, bro" is not an acceptable substitute for "congratulations" when your friend calls and tells you she's pregnant.
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@AlanFelyk: “You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
@TwoSapphiresBlu: That awkward laugh when they've said something innocuous, but you're thinking something incredibly dirty.
@joeldanger: Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there's no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
@_davidlucas_: Daddy! Tell me a story.. The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open. Good night.