@OhNoSheTwitnt: Apparently "cool story, bro" is not an acceptable substitute for "congratulations" when your friend calls and tells you she's pregnant.
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@notalogin: With KFC's announcement they've created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
@LaureRapper: Meanwhile, at School: Teacher- "How much is a gram?" Laure- "Depends on what you want" Teacher- "Out, just get out" #YouOwnedHimDude
@iGreenMonk: I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.
@NicestHippo: Don't worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won't be able to find either