Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope