It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.