[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
When you’re here for the treats.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Everything reminds me of my ex
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade