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@ka_unplugged: Apparently, Engineers talk how Doctors write
@thats_a_morey: I'd like the chicken-fried steak, please."
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
@YourFavMexi_Can: Hey girl, you smell like you're going to give me the wrong number.
@13spencer: If the headline just read "Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead," news sites could reuse it over and over again.
@dresspants: I don't want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
@Playing_Dad: [At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.