@MoneypennyNaked: Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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@MrIceMachine: Automatic flusher Automatic soap dispenser Automatic sink Automatic paper towel dispenser N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E
@Brampersandon_: [2 friends fighting at Denny's] Chicken: *gritting teeth* I'll have the bacon Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I'll be having the EGGS!
@living_marble: "Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!" "Dad, just once, couldn't you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?" "ARISE!"
@jergarl: [Showing a friend around the house] Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn. *motions to area covered in popcorn.