Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Pat is about to own someone
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.