Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?