professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
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Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.