(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
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Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’