When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me