No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!