[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
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Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.