Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
There’s always that one guy
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire