Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
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Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.