Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
when there are deer in the woods
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
me opening up to someone
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.