@Brianhopecomedy: Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
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@TheFunnySayings: My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
@bakedbrotatoes: -This is my son Michelangelo. -Oh, like the artist. -Um no like the Ninja Turtle.
@iGreenBabe: Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.