Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.