@Brianhopecomedy: Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
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@TheSofiya: Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
@TheCatWhisprer: On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what's up.
@shariv67: When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they're thinking, "Shit. Did I leave the iron on?"