Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
You Might Also Like
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Stick it to the man
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
me and who
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?