Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
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According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Who’s your best friend?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”