@Ghetto_Trophy: When I'm feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don't seem so bad.

@teen_news69: LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL: "fossils fuels cause global warming" "billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking"

@jergarl: I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.

@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Do you consider yourself a punctual person?" Me: "I was born three months premature."

@XplodingUnicorn: Random woman in the store: What's in your mom's tummy? 5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby? 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.