@jake_lach: Apparently, if she's refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be 'Why are you mad again?'
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@TheWoodenslurpy: I'd like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers. "I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby."
@Fickle_Filly: You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
@DirtMcTurd: If my girl didn't want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn't have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [Budapest airport] IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary? ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.