@TheWoodenslurpy: I'd like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers. "I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby."

@Fickle_Filly: You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

@DirtMcTurd: If my girl didn't want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn't have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.

@ShutUpThatsWho: [Budapest airport] IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary? ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

@Adar79Angie: I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I'd be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.