Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Accurate
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”