Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
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Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.