Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.