Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning