Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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i meant to share this earlier
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.