Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us