“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Yup
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first