Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.