@elynnbarlow: Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, 'next we go into our downward dog,' it is frowned upon to make the 'bowchickabowow' sound.
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@KeetRidley: If a tree falls in the woods and the wife's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when i get home.
@Tommytoughstuff: [dinner party] *host clinks glass* "Everyone we're having a baby"! *whispers to other guest* "Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian."
@SaltyCorpse: I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don't understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.
@avaricious1: How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.