Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
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COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Come back with a warrant
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.