Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
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I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Many hands make light work
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
TODAY
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher