Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
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Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.