Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.