@simoncholland: Apparently it is "against church policy" to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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@kirkdiedrich: The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I'm not allowed in Subway.
@jlock17: I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I'm down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
@Ygrene: [being buttered] Me: are you sure about this Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
@Brentweets: Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.