@CauseWereGuys: Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri "What do women want?" She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.
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@i_eat_fruit: COP: do you know why I pulled you over ME: knock knock COP: who’s there ME: do you know why I pulled you over COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
@WilliamAder: There should be a "Life of Pi" TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
@realHamOnWry: I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said 'You're a mouth breather, and I'll never respect you'
@brianbowman73: I heard you like bad boys? *jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour* Sup.