@CauseWereGuys: Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri "What do women want?" She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.
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@NicestHippo: [girlfriend yelling] You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names! [she knocks over my dead hamster's shrine] GILGAMESH!
@lawyerthoughts: I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I'm listening to stupid people.
@seanmoriartyMV: My boss: "Sean, what do you know about Twitter?" Me: "nothing. Why? What have you heard?"
@SuperRandomish: When someone asks how I feel, I always answer "Squishy and like I've done something wrong"