Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
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Mission: Impossible
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
how was your vacation
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
i will not be silenced
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes