Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
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a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Was it something I said?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
i really liked this one
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*