Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
181.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges