Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo