If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
*jazz hands*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
How all things should be taught/explained.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.