Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
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Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
not seeing the problem
i choose….tongue
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future