You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
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due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Breaking news:
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Bringing home a sharpie
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.