Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
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A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.