Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
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“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped