Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
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Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
U talkin 2 me?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.