@TheQuietPsycho: Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI's, the cops won't accept "tradition" as an excuse as to why you're driving drunk.
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@sofarrsogud: I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley. After months of therapy I'm finally battling my Damons.
@KyleMcDowell86: [cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car] [I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
@JustDontBugMe: Millennial1: What's a Solar Eclipse? Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.
@_NinJar: [museum] Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit? "through that door" Thank you very ruff! "What'd you say?" *2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*