Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
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Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I think we should hear other voices.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok