[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
britain’s three elite institutions
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.