Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
🤣✨#caturday
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
TWEET CALL
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.