Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
me, after any kind of buffet.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*